Albert Einstein's birthday was March 14. He would now be 127. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Cliental, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
Einstein said that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a family connection.
This came to be known as: Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me! "
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it".
A 76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Harry,everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, " God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Harry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again!
Miss June: Branditta
Miss July: Johnette Miss August: Brianna Miss September: Patrice Miss October: Osbinah Miss November: Christal & Harriett
Miss December: Wynona
Bush Cracks Jokes by Essiet Okon Essiet, The Bush Man.
-What do you call six black men chasing a white man?
-High blood pressure.
-Why is a trombone player like a condom?
-You can use one if you have to, but it's better without it.
A black man and his young son were on a plane when one of the engines blew out. Amidst the screams, the captain made an announcement: " Some of our passengers are going to have jump off the plane. You will be selected in alphabetical order. Staring with, A: All African Americans." The young boy raises his hand, only to have it pulled back down by his father. "B: black" The little boy does the same thing and is stopped by his father. "O.K. C: colored people" The little boy raises his hand again. "Daddy, I thought we were black, why do you keep pulling my hand down?" His father replies, "Today we are niggers, let the mexicans jump first."
Joke submitted by Dr. Pork
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, you're carefree and you get ready for High School. You go to elementary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger housing quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
A Joke from Pedro(the lost navigator)
Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me! "
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it".
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun for as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Let's see what we can do about that... #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic! 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
-------------------------------- One liners from Visney.....
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.? Then it hit me.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?? He's all right now.
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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
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The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
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The dead batteries were distributed free of charge.
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
----------------- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
Pierce's Playhouse Jokes by Wendell Pierce
A young man was walking down the road with a box of tape. His neighbour stopped him to find out what he was up to. "I'm going to catch some ducks with this duck tape." the young man said. "Nah man, that's not how it works!" the neighbour replied. Much to his surprise, half an hour later the man returned with a crate full of ducks.
The next day the young man travelled past his neighbour again, this time with a huge roll of chicken wire. "What are you up to now?" the neighbour questioned "I'm going to catch some chickens" the young man exclaimed "Nah man, seriously, that's not what it's for!" the neighbour said. But incredibly, later that day the young man returned with a cage full of live chickens.
A few days later the young man passed his neighbour, this time carrying a large bundle of pussy willows. "Hold on!" the neighbour said excitedly, "I'm going to get my hat."
"I was watching CNN last night and heard another tragic tale of the aftermath of hurricane Katrina.
It seems that Delfeayo Marsalis' trombone survived."
--------------------------------------------------------------- Jokes submitted by Brent Keefe from Drummer Magazine:
Liverpool Lament
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for - I'm off to America in the morning and if you like I can stow you away on my ship and will take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder - "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded - after all, what she had to lose and a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat and from then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."
A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "Yes" says the barman "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires. "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals?" the duck questioned. "Of Course" the barman replies. "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck looks confused. "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?
The Jazz Clarinetist. A conductor is getting an orchestra together for a performance but is having trouble finding a clarinet player. Finally, he calls a contractor who tells him, "Well, the only guy I've got available at this moment is this jazz clarinetist." The conductor replies, "I can't stand working with jazz musicians! They dress lousy, they're always late, and they all have an attitude problem." "Well," replies the contractor, "that's all I've got." "All right," says the conductor, "I'm getting pretty desperate, so I guess I'll have to take him." The first rehearsal is a week later. The conductor arrives early and notices the new clarinetist, wearing a suit and tie, with a pencil on his stand, sitting on stage practicing his part. During the rehearsal, the clarinetist plays his part quite well, and is responsive to all the conductor's requests. At the second rehearsal, a week later, the same thing happens. This time, the clarinetist turns in a nearly perfect performance. One week later, at the final dress rehearsal, this occurs again, with the clarinetist now playing his part flawlessly. At the break in the rehearsal, the conductor says to the orchestra, "I've got an apology to make. I was really dreading having to work with a jazz musician, but I must say that our clarinet player has certainly proved me wrong. He is always neatly dressed, he was always here early for the rehearsals, working on the part, and he has really learned the music." Then, to the clarinet player he says, "I just wanted to tell you that I truly appreciate your effort and dedication." To which the clarinetist replies, "Hey man, it's the least I can do, considering I can't make the gig."
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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, replied the teacher".
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Eileen. Aunty Eileen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Eileen when she's been drinking!"
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